One To Ponder

I will not be writing a long post on this one. I simply saw the following quote from Mr. Zacharias posted on a friends Facebook status and thought it worthwhile to ponder.

Comment if you care to.

Where Is the Silver Lining?

I had been waiting for Heather to be ready to tell everyone about what has been happening in our life before I wrote this post.

For those that don't read Heather's blog or follow her on Facebook or Twitter, we recently had a miscarriage.

We first found out that there was a problem when we went in for an ultrasound a week and a half ago. When the technician got about half way through the procedure she looked at us and mouthed the words, "I don't see a heartbeat."

I didn't want to hear that. I could not accept that my child was no longer with us.

The doctor who reviews all the sonograms (who happened to be the OB that delivered Jaron) had us schedule another ultrasound for this past Wednesday. And leading up to that day we were hoping and praying for a miracle. Mistakes are made from time to time and I was clinging to the hope that the technician had simply missed something.

That was not the case.

I have seen people argue that a baby isn't a person until it can survive outside the womb, but that is not how this loss feels to me. In my mind and heart this was my child. I had dreams and plans for this child and it was as much a part of my life as Aedyn and Jaron.

I really was not prepared for how this has affected me.

I have had people close to me die. I even lost my 3 year old brother when I was 11, but there is something dissimilar about how I feel right now. Unlike other deaths I have experienced, this time I have this nagging compunction that I could have or should have done something to save this child.

Of course, this remorse I feel is unfounded. As I have told Heather multiple times, this was not anyone's fault. There was nothing that I could have rationally or reasonably done differently and it is quite possible that there is nothing that could have been done at all; but that knowledge has not pacified my feeling of guilt.

I also feel lost as how to respond to Heather. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to do for her. I hate that I don't have an answer; that I don't have a plan for what to do next.

I guess I just need to be patient with this, and with myself.

Thank you to everyone for your support during this time. Heather and I appreciate and covet your prayers.

How My Son Has Helped Me Cope With Job Searching

"Why should I hire you?"

Being out of work is really never fun.

Okay; I take that back. Being out of work can be fun for the first week or so (unless you get your wisdom teeth out). After that, being out of work just gets tough.

Luckily for me I have two sons that have been helping me through my days.

As you can see, Aedyn has been helping me out with some role-playing to get my interviewing chops back.He is tough.
I actually think I was on my way to getting the job before he asked me that word problem with the 5 apples and 50 bowling balls.

Who has 50 bowling balls in real life?

Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance!

Sometimes you just gotta dance!

While it has been a little stressful being out of work these past few weeks, I will say that I have loved having special moments with my family.

Tonight I had one of those moments.

Heather was away teaching her first ballet class in years (Hooray!!) so it was just me and the boys.

Since I have been writing more frequently these days I have started listening to music while I write and have especially taken to putting on a Pandora station I created around the electronic dance style music of the group, Daft Punk.

The songs are mostly upbeat and don't have lyrics, so I can set a great pace for myself without getting sidetracked. But back to dancing...

Finishing Well

I have never been a strong finisher.

Starting well is easy.

A new project. A new recipe. A new diet. A new job.

I can deal with the frustrations and bummers because the new there is energy and excitement that helps me see all the possibility and promise in the new things in my life.

The problem I usually face is when the excitement wears of and the reality of my situation sets in.

Wisdom Teeth and Job Searches

So, what's up with my title?

Well, these are the two most significant topics in my life as of late.

For a few years now I have been experiencing intermittent pain from my two lower wisdom teeth. Since the pain has not been constant and I didn't have dental insurance for most of that time I have just been getting by with ibuprofen to take the edge off.

After I was promoted to General Manager last October (more on that front later) I could actually afford dental insurance. The down side was that I was working a new job that required a minimum of 50 hours a week and we were headed into the busiest part of the year.

Not a situation conducive to having oral surgery performed.

So... I waited.

Then, two weeks ago I was asked to step down as General Manager at the restaurant. All of the sudden I have plenty of free time and have to move quickly before my insurance runs out.

I would like to think that usually I am a pretty tough guy; but getting my wisdom teeth extracted was a big deal.

I decided to go ahead and undergo general anesthesia. Not only was it recommended by the oral surgeon, it was covered by my insurance.

As time passed and I came closer to the appointment I started getting nervous. This was kind of a big deal to a guy who had spent all of a few hours in a doctor's office since being born.

I was starting to worry about what would happen if there were complications that lasted beyond my insurance coverage period. I started to worry about the anesthesia.

Luckily the day came quickly and since it was first thing in the morning I was knocked out by the anesthesia almost before I had a chance to wake up.

The surgery went fine and Heather did a great job of taking care of me as I recovered.

I found that the most frustrating thing about getting my wisdom teeth removed was not being able to chew properly, and thus, not being able to taste food normally.

I have never really considered myself a foodie, but I do have a pretty good palate and enjoy cooking. So it was frustrating to cook a meal for my family and not be able to fully enjoy all the flavors.

I also found that I can be a bit impatient when it comes to recovery... okay... extremely impatient.

I over did it on Wednesday and have been paying the price for my transgressions since then.

Which leads me to the job search.

After losing my job, I had decided to be serious about searching for new employment.

I had a plan; a well laid out strategy with milestones and goals. A plan that got shot all to smithereens since I couldn't talk and was hopped up on pain meds for the better part of the week.

I will say that one positive outcome of all this "down time" has been the ability to really contemplate what it is I want out of my next job.

While I loved my last job, I didn't like all the time I spent away from my family. The last week was marked by a great deal of training, which meant I went nearly 4 days without seeing my sons while they were awake.

That may not affect some people, but it actually drove me to tears.

I really do have a better appreciation for my family after this week.

Despite my sons' special talent for getting into all things they should not, they really are very special to me and the joy of my life. I also have a better appreciation for my wife and the way she loves and cares for me and our boys.

I guess that makes this one of the best weeks I have ever had.

The Heart of Jake: Raising Barbarians

So, as I posted recently, I am re-reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

I love the stories that John weaves into the book... and tonight I had my own story.

Today was Aedyn's birthday and we spent most of the day out and about. As we returned home from our trip to Krispy Kreme for an after dinner donut, Heather and I heard from the back seat, "I have to potty!!"

We were only about half a mile from home so I asked Aedyn if he could hold it until we got home.

"Yes, I will go potty at home," he replied. But not more than a few seconds had passed before Aedyn informed both Heather and I that he would be going potty in the grass when we got home.

Needless to say we were both surprised by his statement. The only time Aedyn has ever intentionally relieved himself in the great outdoors was during a trip to Chattanooga with Heather last August when they had to pull over on the side of the Interstate.

Aedyn became more and more insistent that he wanted to "potty on the grass;" to which Heather said he would have to ask his Papa about that one.

As I was about to answer I first thought, "No he can't pee in the grass. He can walk the 30 yards to our apartment and pee in the toilet. What are we raising, Barbarians?"

It was in that instant that I caught myself.

The world barbarian is defined as uncivilized; an outsider. That is exactly what I want to raise.

Our culture tells young men that they are supposed to be safe, controlled, meek... that they shouldn't pee in the grass. But I want to raise my boys to be is something different.

I want them to be unaccustomed to the dull and dreary expectations civilization has for them.

I want them to be at home in the wilderness, to be an outsider to the world of "nice" guys.

So I let him pee in the grass.

The look on his face was priceless. You would have thought he had scaled the Matterhorn or wrestled a wild tiger into submission.

I had given him permission to be a man... a very small man, but a man none the less.