For those that don't read Heather's blog or follow her on Facebook or Twitter, we recently had a miscarriage.
We first found out that there was a problem when we went in for an ultrasound a week and a half ago. When the technician got about half way through the procedure she looked at us and mouthed the words, "I don't see a heartbeat."
I didn't want to hear that. I could not accept that my child was no longer with us.
The doctor who reviews all the sonograms (who happened to be the OB that delivered Jaron) had us schedule another ultrasound for this past Wednesday. And leading up to that day we were hoping and praying for a miracle. Mistakes are made from time to time and I was clinging to the hope that the technician had simply missed something.
That was not the case.
I have seen people argue that a baby isn't a person until it can survive outside the womb, but that is not how this loss feels to me. In my mind and heart this was my child. I had dreams and plans for this child and it was as much a part of my life as Aedyn and Jaron.
I really was not prepared for how this has affected me.
I have had people close to me die. I even lost my 3 year old brother when I was 11, but there is something dissimilar about how I feel right now. Unlike other deaths I have experienced, this time I have this nagging compunction that I could have or should have done something to save this child.
Of course, this remorse I feel is unfounded. As I have told Heather multiple times, this was not anyone's fault. There was nothing that I could have rationally or reasonably done differently and it is quite possible that there is nothing that could have been done at all; but that knowledge has not pacified my feeling of guilt.
I also feel lost as how to respond to Heather. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to do for her. I hate that I don't have an answer; that I don't have a plan for what to do next.
I guess I just need to be patient with this, and with myself.
Thank you to everyone for your support during this time. Heather and I appreciate and covet your prayers.
