Where Is the Silver Lining?

I had been waiting for Heather to be ready to tell everyone about what has been happening in our life before I wrote this post.

For those that don't read Heather's blog or follow her on Facebook or Twitter, we recently had a miscarriage.

We first found out that there was a problem when we went in for an ultrasound a week and a half ago. When the technician got about half way through the procedure she looked at us and mouthed the words, "I don't see a heartbeat."

I didn't want to hear that. I could not accept that my child was no longer with us.

The doctor who reviews all the sonograms (who happened to be the OB that delivered Jaron) had us schedule another ultrasound for this past Wednesday. And leading up to that day we were hoping and praying for a miracle. Mistakes are made from time to time and I was clinging to the hope that the technician had simply missed something.

That was not the case.

I have seen people argue that a baby isn't a person until it can survive outside the womb, but that is not how this loss feels to me. In my mind and heart this was my child. I had dreams and plans for this child and it was as much a part of my life as Aedyn and Jaron.

I really was not prepared for how this has affected me.

I have had people close to me die. I even lost my 3 year old brother when I was 11, but there is something dissimilar about how I feel right now. Unlike other deaths I have experienced, this time I have this nagging compunction that I could have or should have done something to save this child.

Of course, this remorse I feel is unfounded. As I have told Heather multiple times, this was not anyone's fault. There was nothing that I could have rationally or reasonably done differently and it is quite possible that there is nothing that could have been done at all; but that knowledge has not pacified my feeling of guilt.

I also feel lost as how to respond to Heather. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to do for her. I hate that I don't have an answer; that I don't have a plan for what to do next.

I guess I just need to be patient with this, and with myself.

Thank you to everyone for your support during this time. Heather and I appreciate and covet your prayers.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance!

Sometimes you just gotta dance!

While it has been a little stressful being out of work these past few weeks, I will say that I have loved having special moments with my family.

Tonight I had one of those moments.

Heather was away teaching her first ballet class in years (Hooray!!) so it was just me and the boys.

Since I have been writing more frequently these days I have started listening to music while I write and have especially taken to putting on a Pandora station I created around the electronic dance style music of the group, Daft Punk.

The songs are mostly upbeat and don't have lyrics, so I can set a great pace for myself without getting sidetracked. But back to dancing...

The Heart of Jake: Raising Barbarians

So, as I posted recently, I am re-reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

I love the stories that John weaves into the book... and tonight I had my own story.

Today was Aedyn's birthday and we spent most of the day out and about. As we returned home from our trip to Krispy Kreme for an after dinner donut, Heather and I heard from the back seat, "I have to potty!!"

We were only about half a mile from home so I asked Aedyn if he could hold it until we got home.

"Yes, I will go potty at home," he replied. But not more than a few seconds had passed before Aedyn informed both Heather and I that he would be going potty in the grass when we got home.

Needless to say we were both surprised by his statement. The only time Aedyn has ever intentionally relieved himself in the great outdoors was during a trip to Chattanooga with Heather last August when they had to pull over on the side of the Interstate.

Aedyn became more and more insistent that he wanted to "potty on the grass;" to which Heather said he would have to ask his Papa about that one.

As I was about to answer I first thought, "No he can't pee in the grass. He can walk the 30 yards to our apartment and pee in the toilet. What are we raising, Barbarians?"

It was in that instant that I caught myself.

The world barbarian is defined as uncivilized; an outsider. That is exactly what I want to raise.

Our culture tells young men that they are supposed to be safe, controlled, meek... that they shouldn't pee in the grass. But I want to raise my boys to be is something different.

I want them to be unaccustomed to the dull and dreary expectations civilization has for them.

I want them to be at home in the wilderness, to be an outsider to the world of "nice" guys.

So I let him pee in the grass.

The look on his face was priceless. You would have thought he had scaled the Matterhorn or wrestled a wild tiger into submission.

I had given him permission to be a man... a very small man, but a man none the less.

The Heart of Jake: The Wild Frontier

I recently had a conversation with someone at work about one of my favorite books of all time: Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

What I came to realize in the course of the conversation was that it was time to read the book again, so I decided that a good way to process my way through the book is to blog about it as I go.

The very first thing that recaptured my attention is a section John calls "Westward Expansion Against the Soul."

As I read the words Eldredge has written about the feminization of masculinity in our culture I can see how the pressure around me tries to force me to be more tame, predictable, safe, sensitive, manageable, efficient, and all the other adjectives and labels we use to refer to the "nice" guy.

Just as our society puts unrealistic and damaging expectations on women to be perfect, I feel that there is an unrealistic expectation for men to be "nice."

Think about it. The highest complement we can dole out is, "He is such a nice young man."

But who wants a "nice" guy?

Nice guys don't make great men.

Being a father has been an interesting exercise for me.

I love my sons and I don't like to see them hurt, so far too often I find myself instructing and teaching them to play it safe. But often enough I remember that they are boys, that they will someday be men, and that to be the men that God designed them to be they will need to know their way around the wilderness.

The wilderness has a special place in the narrative of men.

Adam was formed in the wilderness.

God met Moses in the wilderness.

Jacob wrestled with the Angel in the wilderness.

Elijah sought God in the wilderness.

John the Baptist lived in the wilderness.

Even Jesus spent time in the wilderness before He began His ministry on earth.

And like these men, and countless others, I want my sons to know the strength that comes from understanding their "wild side." Heck, I want for myself to know the strength that comes from understanding my wild side.

As I continued to read through the words Eldredge left behind as a treasure map for men I found myself invigorated. It was as if the deep in John was calling to the deep in me and awakening something that had been dormant for years.

I started to see how I had let the "safe" back into my life in so many ways and how the real heart of God was to call me out of bondage and into His promise for my life. My problem is that the safety of my bondage is easy. Just like the Israelites who yearned to return to Egypt after God delivered them from the hands of Pharaoh, I wanted to go back to what I knew even though I knew it would kill me.

But that does not have to be my story.

I don't have to be led around in the desert for my whole life because I am afraid of the battle before me. I can make the choice to find God in the wilderness and let Him lead me where, when, and how He sees fit.