Helicopter Parents, and why I refuse to be one.

Helicopter Parents.

You know the ones I am talking about.

Constantly hovering around their child, ready to intervene should anything happen to their precious little angel.

The term "helicopter parent" was invented by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay in the book Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility.

In Scandinavian areas these parents a named curling parents (referencing the sport of curling) because they try to sweep any obstacles that show up in the child's path.

It seems that the term "lawnmower parent" is also used to indicate parents who mow over anything and anyone in their child's way in order to make a smooth path.

As a dad I am just going to say that this type of behavior is downright stupid.

I want my boys to grow up knowing that their success will rest on their shoulders and that if they want to make a name for themselves they need to get their rear in gear and make something happen.

Life is not always easy and it is not always fair, but it isn't supposed to be.

This may sound a little counter-intuitive, but I firmly believe that it is our failures that produce character and make us who we are.

When I look back on my life I see that it was not success that helped me grow and mature. It was not winning that makes us better, it is the struggle.

There are even examples in human physiology.

In weight lifting, the fastest way to build muscle is to lift until failure, or to lift a weight until your muscle literally gives out.

Don't get me wrong.

It is not that I want my boys to suffer; and if I thought that suffering was the end I probably would want to do everything in my power to protect them from the hardships of life.

But suffering is not the end.

I will teach my boys that failure is only what you make of it. That failing is not the end of the story if you don't let it be. I will teach my boys that failure is just one step toward success as long as they don't give up.

I will teach my boys that competition can be healthy for them even if they lose - even if they don't make the team.

Why?

I want my boys to grow in character as they grow in stature. Because I want my boys to become men, not just boys dressed up like men.

Because I don't want them to grow up helpless.

And that is why I refuse to be a Helicopter Parent; because I just love them too much not to let them fail.

When a child gets sick.

The past few days my son, Aedyn, has been a little under the weather.

It really has not been much more than a fever and a lot of sleeping, but he is sick.

When Aedyn gets sick he mostly wants to just snuggle up on the couch next to Mama or Papa and watch movies all day. And since it is likely just a cold bug there is nothing much that Heather and I can do to help him aside from administering ibuprofen and juice and occasionally changing out a DVD.

One thing that made Saturday hard for me was that I had an exceptionally long day at work. I left the house for Pizza Gallery at 10:00 AM and did not get home until 11:00 PM, and while I was gone there was absolutely nothing I could do to help my son feel better.

I am very blessed to have very healthy children.

The other night, as I rolled silverware at the end of my shift, I was talking with another co-worker who has two girls of her own. We both agreed that while we were pleased that our respective kids are well behaved, what we are especially thankful for is that they are healthy.

I remember the feeling I would get when Heather was pregnant with each of my sons. The thought would drift into my mind of what would I do if the baby was born and something was wrong. Or worse, what if there is something wrong and there is nothing at all I can do about it?

There are few things in this world that bother me more that when my children are suffering and there is nothing I can do to fix the problem. When my kid is sick I want something I can fix, something I can battle and defeat to end the suffering of my child.

Last year the news came out that Dr. Andrew Wakefield, the doctor responsible for linking autism to vaccinations, had falsified the results of his study in order to support his claim that the vaccines were responsible for the increased frequency of autism cases in young children.

In light of the news it is easy to ask how so many were duped by this liar, but even though I always doubted Dr. Wakefield's research I can understand why so many believed him.

Modern medicine has not definitively discovered what causes or even how to predict what child might develop autism. Parents of children with autism often feel helpless; impotent to help their child. Then Dr. Wakefield came along and gave parents something to fight, some cause to take up so that they could feel like they were doing SOMETHING to help their child.

But is that the best way?

The past few days my son has been sick. Since it was likely a bacteria or virus that caused his sickness I could go on a crusade to eliminate all pathogens from our house; just disinfect the whole darn thing. And while that would serve a purpose, what my son really needed was from his Papa was the little stuff.

He needed me to pick up ibuprofen on my way home. He needed me to put juice in his cup so he could stay hydrated. He needed me to curl up on the couch and watch Return of the Jedi for the third time today.

Interestingly enough, there is evidence that this kind of attention may be the answer even for something like autism.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that we should not, as parents, demand justice when children are wronged or put in harm's way. I just wonder what is really important for us to do when our child gets sick.